For some folks (myself included), today can be tough. If you lost your mother, mother figure, spouse/partner or as a mom – lost your child, today can be very painful. I lost my mom to cancer nine years ago. The grief has a way of creeping up on you, especially as the barrage of commercials, ads and emails pop up everywhere in the days leading up to today. Here are a few tips to help you get through.
It’s Okay. How you are feeling is valid. You don’t need to “toughen up”, and you do not need to pretend.
Unplug. Today is a really good day to stay off social media. Scrolling past happy smiling faces of families having brunch may be a lot to handle emotionally and remind you of your loss. Set the phone to do not disturb, leave it in an inaccessible place for a while, and take a break.
Find a Positive Distraction. Try binging the show that you’ve been meaning to watch on the streaming service of your choice. Watch some old DVD’s. I suggest opting out of network television because many stations do Mother’s Day themed programming. Get outside for a while. Journal. Work on that project you’ve been procrastinating for so long. Do something positive to keep yourself distracted.
Don’t Self Medicate. I’m not judging anyone for this one. However, using drugs or alcohol can make the pain you are feeling worse – and you may do something you will really regret. Also, practically speaking, tomorrow is Monday. Starting the week with a hangover – even on Zoom – is not fun.
It’ll Be Over Soon. It’s 24 hours, part of which you’ll be sleeping. You’ve made it this far. Just a few more hours!
Grief is an ongoing process that does not resolve itself overnight. It’s a rollercoaster, with good days and bad days. See a therapist if it gets too hard to cope. Check with your insurance provider if you have one. If not, there are so many apps and therapists that provide virtual sessions. One list is here.
Kudos to companies like Etsy and The Lip Bar (TLB) who sent emails allowing customers to opt out of Mother’s Day email advertisements. Having that option was definitely kind and sensitive.
I hope this is helpful. Sending you all a big virtual hug!
I hope everyone is well, healthy, and on the way to being vaccinated!!
Things have been good and hectic in my world (yes, I know, shocker!), but lots of great projects have come to my world!
This week, I was featured in the documentary “Last Day In“, which critically examines the US criminal justice system. It was a project in collaboration with several filmmakers and the hip hop artist Kodak Black, who had several high profile brushes with the law before being pardoned by the last presidential administration.
We do not speak about his case; instead, we focus on what the average, every day person encounters after being arrested, and the collateral consequences that impact entire communities for generations.
I was scrolling through the myriads of Facebook groups when I saw a post of Vice President elect Kamala Harris speaking to her little grand niece, telling her she can be President. The person who posted it, who was a Black woman, stated “all little Black girls now know anything is possible”. In the comments a white woman said “it should be ALL girls”.
And here we are again in the debate of “all” vs. Black.
The comment ignored the reality that representation matters. While women have come far in this country, white women have done better. Racism prevented Black women from getting the same head start. White women received the right to vote before Black women – with some white suffragettes fighting to prevent our forefathers from voting before them. There have been four white women on the Supreme Court; there has yet to be a Black woman. White women are paid more at work and are less likely to die in childbirth. There are nine white female governors in this country; we have yet to have a Black female governor. The closest in recent history, Stacy Abrams was robbed of her win via voter suppression in GA. Despite this painful loss, she still tirelessly organized voters to lead Georgia to resoundingly swing for Biden/Harris. Meanwhile, 55% of white women still voted for the person who would like nothing more than to make this country a version of the Handmaid’s Tale.
It’s a different feeling when you have been left (or pushed) out of the conversation for centuries, and you finally see yourself in a position of power. The same way white women celebrated when Hillary Clinton became the Dem pres nominee is the same way Black women are feeling today with seeing a Black Woman as VP.
Think of it this way. A television station in Ireland ended its broadcast by talking about how Joe Biden is a proud Irish American, with his reading of a poem by Seamus Heaney. He is only the second person of Irish descent to be in the White House (the first being John F. Kennedy). I fully expect celebrations and pride by our Irish friends on both sides of the Atlantic – and rightfully so. I would never state to an Irish person who expressed pride over this accomplishment “this is for ALL of us, not just you”. While true, it’s insulting. I’m pretty sure the Facebook poster and others who feel like she does didn’t post similar comments on an Irish person’s page. There is nothing wrong with celebrating accomplishments of people who you identify with through culture, ethnicity, gender alma mater or otherwise – as long as you are not treating other people badly.
The “all” narrative has been a battle as we discuss criminal justice reform and Black Lives Matter. To put it simply – it’s like showing up to a breast cancer fundraiser and saying “but all cancers matter”. Yes they do – but the discussion right now is about breast cancer. So have a seat.
This is part of that casual racism that ignores history. Comments like these are a daily reminder of how much work there is to do in this country. Racism exists in both parties, and addressing it is way overdue.
All is great when all people are actually included intentionally as well as consistently.
Until that happens, Black women are taking our moment.
This week, actor Chadwick Boseman passed away from colon cancer at the young age of 43.
Hearing of his death hurt me deeply. As an avid fan of the Marvel Studios movie franchise, seeing Black Panther for the first time was life changing on many levels as an African American woman. Watching people who looked like me prospering, creating, leading and saving the day on the big screen made my heart burst with pride – because so often Hollywood does not portray us in that manner. We are often relegated to the role of the gangster, the maid, the best friend or a lead character with messy tendencies. In real life we accomplish much of what is portrayed in Black Panther (i.e, girls of color in STEM) – but it is viewed as an outlier not the norm. While undoubtedly the narrative is slowly changing, Chadwick’s portrayal of King T’Challa/Black Panther singlehandedly destroyed stereotypes by the time the opening credits were completed.
In these times, we needed his portrayal more than ever. For two hours and fifteen minutes, I, along with so many others, were transported to a place of equality and justice – a Black utopia – albeit fictional. The Dora Milaje were strong African female warriors who reminded me of the fierce women of color in the real world who command respect while holding the world together behind the scenes. Chadwick’s smooth, effortless cool on screen was only exceeded by the good works he did in real life – as well as his superb portrayals of icons Jackie Robinson, Thurgood Marshall and James Brown.
My father taught me basic African history – great empires such Timbuktu which gave us math; how there was trading and commerce – all the good things before the continent was divided, ravaged and pillaged by slavery and colonialism. Real African history began far before slavery, yet that is where US history classes begin.
As an adult you often get too caught up in day to day life to do the research needed to know our history. Between police shootings, fighting to prove Black lives matter and to make sure the system is actually equal, you get sidetracked away from history.
But Black Panther changed everything. Black folks were like “wait, does this place exist?”
And so the hunt began. Think pieces abounded as to where a modern day Wakanda could be. Some say Kenya, others say Ethiopia. Ghana didn’t miss a beat and in honor of the 400 anniversary of slaves landing in the US, Ghana did the “year of return” to encourage African Americans to reconnect with their roots. Our collective intellectual curiosity was peaked by Chadwick’s and his co-stars’ stellar performances.
Black Panther also took on a different meaning when I went to Johannesburg, South Africa for the first time to lecture at a conference. The contrast really hit home – everyone has a tribe or a people they can point to as their own, complete with language, clothing and customs. I and the other African Americans who were present felt so lost when it came to “where are you from?” Oh, born in NY, family from the Caribbean. It pales to the generations of tribal love and closeness they enjoy. Out of that experience, they gave us African names. Mine was Boitumelo (aka Tumi) of the Tswana people, native to Botswana and South Africa. It means “joy”. As a gift, they presented me with a beautiful handmade dress that I wore when I launched my political campaign this past January as well as on election night, as a reminder that whatever happens – my ancestors are supporting me and are proud. The locals in South Africa referred to the ancestors regularly as a sign of respect as well as to remember their history – much like in the movie.
My experience was enriched by having seen Black Panther – too often Africa is portrayed as a place of endless war and famine. Black Panther expanded our minds and countered that negative narrative. The concept of hiding greatness in plain sight so that it would not be destroyed resonated with me and so many others.
Losing Chadwick was part of the loss of a fantasy. But it is one that can be made into reality in so many ways. In the end of Black Panther, Chadwick’s character was able to address racism and poverty on a global scale by revealing the power of Wakanda.
The reality is, we are all powerful, and can stand up to address these same issues via the ballot box, building economic power in our communities and rejecting the narratives placed upon us. As King T’Chaka said when he saw King T’Challa and he knelt before him on the ancestral plane “Stand. You are a king”
Chadwick Boseman left an amazing legacy. While it really hurts, to quote the movie “in our culture, death is not the end”. While we mourn him, it is not the end for him or us. We must push forward to honor what was begun by our ancestors – who Chadwick joins on the ancestral plane.
Rest in Power, Sleep in Peace King T’Challa. Wakanda Forever 🙅🏾♀️
For me, the last ten years have been a period of major growth. In the last decade:
I met and married my soulmate…
I found my voice, stride, confidence and purpose. It took a few setbacks and closed doors to realize what direction I should go; but all of the disappointments came together to lead me to this place.
I became President of the National Black Prosecutors Association which exposed me to real criminal justice reform work – from sitting in the houses in our community to sitting in the (Obama) White House. I saw the injustices that got perpetuated not necessarily from ill intent, but from not knowing any better (myself included).
I made the big leap of leaving a comfortable sixteen year position as a prosecutor to becoming Deputy Director of the ACLU of Florida. My viewpoints on life were vastly broadened — from learning about the struggles of the transgender community to deepening my work on criminal justice reform and its intersection with voting rights.
I traveled to the Motherland. This year I had life changing trip to South Africa, where I walked in the path of the late great freedom fighter/leader Nelson Mandela. During that time, not only did I see the roots of what would become an international resistance movement, I was able to advocate for the safety of women on an international scale.
I survived heartbreak and heartache of losing my mom; but also learned to jealously guard my mental health. Life will throw things at you that you believe you can never overcome. There will be days you can’t get out of bed. But day by day, step by step, it gets better. Be patient, and seek help from a professional if you need it.
Losing her also taught me to be fearless. Life is short; “sit and wait your turn” means you may never get a shot. Seize the day, make your own path and opportunity. Because you may look up and realize that you have less time than you planned on, and what then? Sit in regret? Nope, not me!
As we begin the dawn of a new decade, let’s take one final trip down memory lane on the Resident Legal Diva. It’s been such a blessing to be able to write, and share my thoughts with a wider audience. I admit I did not post as much as in previous years — lots going on — but thank you for the love that was received for my writing this year!! Here’s what you read the most from me:
Every Black History Month, I feature female trailblazers of color in the field of law upon whose example I built upon. Jewel Lafontant – Mankarious made history as a trailblazer in the field of prosecution.
This is a piece that continues to resonate with so many professionals of color. It started with an argument on Twitter (yes, this is definitely something to be left in the last decade) where a fellow attorney tried to explain to me that I should not be offended. At the end of the day, folks need to accept the following: if someone tells you xyz is offensive, don’t double down and keep doing it. Just..stop.
Jay Z received backlash over a few things in 2019; this one I don’t believe was justified at all. As we look at economic equality and gentrification, people of color are always on the receiving end of the push out, and never on the benefits. When gentrification arrives, it’s people of color who have to move further away from their jobs or conveniences we take for granted. Companies expand into newly gentrified neighborhoods, but it does not provide the jobs and economic advancement for the people who originally lived there. So now what? More incentives should be provided so that people do not have to leave their neighborhoods. And, as people of color get more means, we need to buy up the block so that no one else does. We have to empower our own neighborhoods — as well as protect our history.
The Jussie Smollett case garnered a great deal of attention on the role of a prosecutor — and how discretion should be used. I analyzed the case in the context of having done this work. Was everything handled perfectly? No, nothing ever is. But the backlash was excessive, and rooted in racism.
Cheryl Mills is known for her defense of President Bill Clinton during his impeachment hearing. She is the first African American to address the United States Senate in her capacity as Associate Counsel for the President.
Clearly my readers love the posts on history, and I will endeavor to share more in the coming year!
More challenges lie ahead in the next few years, but I am excited to be able to continue serving the greater good and putting my criminal justice expertise to work.
Wishing you an amazing New Year and new decade. Thank you for reading, your comments and your support. May you find prosperity, happiness, and grow in your purpose!!