Missing the Little Things on Mother’s Day

It was March of 2012. I took an extended trip to New York from Florida to spend time with my mother, who was battling cervical cancer. She had hid from me how bad it was since I had just gotten married weeks before, and she didn’t want me to worry. After collapsing and being hospitalized, I discovered the full extent of what the disease was doing to her.

We were hanging out at home one afternoon, and she was going through some of her things. She handed me a silver bracelet and said “here, take this. I don’t need it anymore“.

Of course, silly me did not grasp what she was doing. I was there thinking “she figures she’s not going out to any fancy events“.

Denial is a powerful thing.

When she passed away weeks later, it was the bracelet that gave me a modicum of comfort. Some nights I would go to sleep after clutching it and weeping uncontrollably.

As time went on, it became a symbol of her companionship. I’d get ready for a challenging meeting or an interview, and I’d say “ok Ma, don’t let me say anything crazy. Help me get my point across“.

Now, sometimes I’ll just tap it. It’s enough to center me, channeling some of her strength, eloquence and energy.

On this, the 7th Mother’s Day without her, I reflect. I still grieve, but it’s less crippling than in past years.

This week I published a post on the power of the little things (if you missed it, see it here). Something as small as a silver bracelet can mean so much.

Today, cherish the little (and the big) things that your Mom taught you or gave you. A Mom is beyond blood; it’s an emotional connection to a woman who pushes you forward to your future. Ties that bind can be biological, emotional or spiritual.

If you are without your mom today, I hope that the memories, along with the love of those around you, will help you through the day.

Happy Mother’s Day, especially to mine in heaven.

 

My mother and I at my law school graduation in 1997. RIP Mama Pearson

 

 

The Power of the Little Things

Photo courtesy of CreateHerStock

So as many of you know, I am obsessed with spinning. Most importantly, spinning at SoulCycle. I embarked on a challenge to complete 15 classes in 30 days. Between my schedule, exhaustion, and just life, it was a lofty goal for me, but I tried for it anyway. Saturday was my 10th class. The staff of SoulCycle South Beach left me a card at my spinning bike. It was a note of encouragement to keep pushing to my 15 class goal, to show appreciation for my efforts and my loyalty for coming to the studio as a local resident (we get many tourists due to being in South Beach).

I don’t know whether it was stress, or some other driving factor, but the card made me quite emotional. It was such a little thing — a small gesture, a token appreciation, a word of encouragement.

Often people over look at the little things and how important it can be for someone. For you it’s something small; but for someone it could be something huge that they need it right now.

In my new journey in leadership, I’ve had some growing pains. Being a social justice warrior part time is one thing; but when it’s your whole existence, it can take a toll on your soul. Additionally, you have to make sure that you’re growing in leadership. Since people look to you as a leader, you feel the pressure to make sure you are doing it right — that you’re really motivating your team and looking at the big picture.

In that spirit, I took a day off from work to fly out of state to see someone I greatly respect. I walked away from our lunch with two critical points; to always live in my truth, and to always focus on what is right.

Living your truth means not only telling the truth, but acknowledging when something is hurting you — when someone is hurting you. Being vocal is critical so that your own mental state can be preserved. Many times we hold in resentment, we hold in things that are wrong, or we accept certain treatment because we think we’re supposed to. That is not living in your truth, and creates a level of stress that is detrimental to you professionally as well as to your health. Stress truly kills.

Also, the key is to focus on always doing what’s right. You may not always get it right, but if your motivation is to do what is right, what is good for the organization and what is good for your fellow person, then you are on the right track.

This journey has been a serious learning curve for me. It is really teaching me the value of the little things: receiving hug from a friend, giving hugs to my father, a beautiful sunny day, an enthusiastic puppy, a really great song that comes on in the car, or an unexpected note cheering you on.

It’s the little things that help us deal when life comes at you fast.

Celebrating Dr. King…

martin-luther-king

As we celebrate the birth of civil rights icon Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, let’s reflect on his words, and how they remain evergreen until justice is attained for all.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends

Dr. Martin Luther King lamented the silence of his friends in his letters from the Birmingham jail. He lamented those who would support him behind closed doors, but in the public forum where it really counts, he and other peoples of color stood alone.

Dr. King also was not only about racial equality, but economic equality. Many alliances were starting to be formed during that time between various races around the issue of economic empowerment; Unfortunately, the power structure at the time was designed to oppress, and in many ways, continues to do so. The common fallacy is that poverty only affects one certain segment. The reality is, if you are struggling you are struggling no matter what the race. Poor whites in Mississippi are no different than poor African-Americans in Alabama; poor whites in Milwaukee are no different than poor African Americans in New York. We must be wary of the divide and conquer tactic which has worked so well in many corners and we are seeing more of it today.

Many times during Dr. King’s walk, he was told wait.  Wait.  Give the system a chance to work.  We agree with your protests, but you shouldn’t do it in this manner.  Sound familiar? Think of today with the actions of Colin Kaepernick and sports players who choose to peacefully protest injustice by kneeling during the National anthem.  We agree with your cause, but you shouldn’t do it while we watch football.  Others are not that kind in their sentiments.

Here was Dr. King’s answer was to being told to wait, as he sat in the Birmingham jail for peacefully protesting:

But when you have seen vicious mobs lynch your mothers and fathers at will and drown your sisters and brothers at whim; when you have seen hate-filled policemen curse, kick, brutalize, and even kill your black brothers and sisters with impunity; when you see the vast majority of your twenty million Negro brothers smothering in an airtight cage of poverty in the midst of an affluent society; when you suddenly find your tongue twisted and your speech stammering as you seek to explain to your six-year-old daughter why she cannot go to the public amusement park that has just been advertised on television, and see tears welling up in her little eyes when she is told that Funtown is closed to colored children, and see the depressing clouds of inferiority begin to form in her little mental sky, and see her begin to distort her little personality by unconsciously developing a bitterness toward white people; when you have to concoct an answer for a five-year-old son asking in agonizing pathos, “Daddy, why do white people treat colored people so mean?”; when you are harried by day and haunted by night by the fact that you are a Negro, living constantly at tiptoe stance, never knowing what to expect next, and plagued with inner fears and outer resentments; when you are forever fighting a degenerating sense of “nobodyness” — then you will understand why we find it difficult to wait.

He then goes on to say “Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection.”

So what does it mean to be a true ally? What can I do?

First, listen. Listen to the concerns of marginalized people. Set aside your own feelings of defensiveness or comfort that may come from tough discussions.

Secondly, show up. If it’s a protest, march. If it’s phone banking to call your local legislator about issues of concern, do it. If it’s sending an email to your legislator, do it. Download an app like 5 calls to help you make calls to action.

Thirdly, align yourself with others who have the same concerns. Join the local chapter of the ACLU or other organization fighting these battles. Donate to the causes that mean the most to you — whether it is reproductive rights, the rights of the LGBTQ community, immigrants’ rights, or civil rights in general.

Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability, but comes through continuous struggle.

We know through painful experience that freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed.

Listen. Show up. Align. And give a full throated repudiation to those who speak racism.  By doing this, you will keep Dr. King’s dream alive.

In Solidarity,

The RLD.

Before We Wrap — A Quick Rewind!

Courtesy of CreateHerStock

Hi RLD Fam,

I think the theme for 2017 was WTH??? Definitely life as we knew it changed dramatically. It was a mixed bag — we saw a rise in hatred, but we also saw a rise in people fighting back. People raised their voices as a collective to say “this is not what America stands for”.

Now that the year is coming to an end, I actually had a moment to breathe, and acknowledge that my posts have not been as consistent as I would like. No excuses – just reality!

My new job at the ACLU of Florida has been amazing. With it, I received a very steep learning curve, of which I am still on the front side. However, I am learning from the best team in the country, so hopefully I’ll make more strides next year! The transition from prosecutor to full time social justice warrior has been interesting. I miss the courtroom and being able to work with victims of crime. But a whole new world has opened up to me. I get to speak regularly on issues that I care deeply about, with no fear of repercussions. I can keep it “100”, which is so refreshing. I’ve been writing for work as well — check out my death penalty piece in the Tampa Bay Times, as well as my work in support of State Attorney Aramis Ayala’s discretion in death penalty cases.

In the process of this new journey, I have not been able to share as much as I would like to on the blog.

There is also an emotional piece. When I was a prosecutor, discussing social justice issues was not my main job. I infused it when I could, but it was not a daily act. Now that it is my job, and in the current toxic environment, it’s become harder, and sometimes exhausting.

It’s no longer about educating folks on the system.

It’s now having basic discussions like Nazis are evil, pedophilia is a crime, and we need to believe victims.

It’s not about debating the finer points of policing. I’m now having to discuss my basic humanity as a person of color.

It’s left me like WTH? How did we get here?

But we were always here. It was artfully hidden by pretense, political correctness and the false sense of complacency after the election of President Obama.

So what now?

I keep fighting, keep resisting. I pledge to you to continue to bring you quality content when I can. But, the new year awaits — one of my goals is to focus more on writing — not just for RLD, Huffington Post and Blavity, but for newspapers as well. In order for me to grow as a writer, I need to be more intentional about how I work. Stay tuned!

keep calm surprises

Before we close the year that was, let’s take a look at the top 5 pieces on the Resident Legal Diva for 2017! Be sure to click the link in the title to see the original post.

5. I’m Angry and Ready, Now What?

This piece was in response to folks saying to me “Melba, what can I do? How can I fight?” These resources will be evergreen for the next few years.

4. #MeToo Is Not Just Hollywood’s Problem

I shared my personal experience with sexual harassment, which was super tough to do. I realized that I’m a wee bit more of a private person than I first thought; but it was critical (in my opinion) that more voices be heard. It originally appeared in Blavity, and received a ton of feedback wherever it was shared. As Gabrielle Union stated, and as we learned from the revelations coming from the floor of the Ford factory, sexual harassment is not a rich white woman Hollywood problem. It is a disease of power and entitlement — which can take many forms.

3. “You’re So Articulate” is not a Compliment to a Woman of Color

#BlackWomenAtWork was trending on Twitter, and many of us shared experiences of how some folks can be dismissive or downright insulting of our abilities, I shared how “you’re so articulate” is not a compliment — it’s backhanded at best and based in the stereotypes of where or how a woman that looks like me should be in life.

2. 1st African American Head Prosecutor Wrongfully Removed

2017 saw the first African American elected prosecutor in Florida take office. She took the stance that she will not seek the death penalty in any murder case in her jurisdiction. Governor Rick Scott promptly took away her death penalty eligible cases, and the legislature later cut funding for her office. I believe that his was a gross overreach of his power — it should be the voters who decide what direction their community and their public servants go in. Prosecutors are given wide discretion for a reason; re-election (or not) is the way to send a message as to what is acceptable.

And — the most popular piece for 2017 is:

My New Normal Post Philando Castile

I shared my disturbing encounter with a law enforcement officer in the Huffington Post as well as the RLD. It was my personal reminder that following the rules to the best of your ability does not guarantee your safety as a person of color; this is NOT the way it should be.

 

Thank you to each and every one you who have supported, commented, read, shared, and suggested post ideas. As I enter my 5th year of the RLD, I look forward to making it stronger while continuing to educate folks on life and the law! If you have a question or a topic you want me to write about, tell me in the comments or contact me.

The Cowboy & I in Stowe, Vermont for Christmas

Happy New Year!!!

Self Care for the Social Justice Warrior (and anyone under stress)

createherstock-a-summer-day-neosha-gardner
Photo credit: CreateHerStock

A version of my piece appears in Blavity, check it out!

In a time where a day seemingly cannot go by without some sort of political calamity, how can one get through this?

Those who see and feel injustice are having a tough time.

I’ll put it out there – I’m exhausted.  Having seen the good, bad and the ugly in the criminal justice system, I have now elevated my work on social justice issues to a wider scope.  I feel it is incumbent upon me as an African American female attorney to lend my voice, as well as my knowledge, for the betterment of all people everywhere. In doing so, you take on the pain of the struggle.  If you do not internalize it in some way, then you may need to check your pulse to see if you are still alive.

To make sure that you continue to have the ability to fight the good fight, self-care is critical. Some may think “is that some silly reason folks use to blow off work and go to yoga

Maybe for some folks, yes; for social warriors, no.

In order to center yourself, you have to take a break.  Why? Because your effectiveness diminishes as fatigue sets in.  Stress literally kills.

Here are some ideas:

  • Eat right 

Skipping meals, or eating fast food regularly is not a good idea.  I like McDonald’s fries as much as the next person, but as we saw in SuperSize Me,  a regular diet of this is not sustainable.  Additionally, it will wreak havoc on your energy levels and your mood.  The topics we are dealing with regularly are painful as it is – the wrong nutrition will make an already short fuse even shorter.  Make a conscious effort to eat regularly, and eat real food.

  • Exercise

I’m the first person to say I don’t get a runner’s high.   I mostly get the runner’s ouch.  But put me in a spin class with a solid playlist (shout out to Allison, Johanna and Reed at SoulCycle), and for 45 minutes I am in another world.  I leave sweaty, less stressed, and ready to take on the day.  Find what works for you – if you’re in Florida like me, a long walk on the beach is a straight up spiritual experience.  If not, basic calisthenics at home, an internet based workout (there’s tons of videos on YouTube, as well as more specialized options), or hitting your local gym will go a long way in allowing you to de-stress, clear your head, and release some of the anger that accumulates. Don’t let budget be a hindrance – close your door, and dance like mad to 3 of your favorite songs in a row. That short break may be enough to release some toxicity.

  • Find your village

You need to have positive people around you in your personal life. Each of us needs to have that crew who you can laugh with, be totally silly, and just let your locs down.  These are folks who lift you up, infusing you with renewed energy.  If those folks aren’t around you, you may need to take a serious look at your circle and make some changes for your sanity.

  • Detox

Take a day at the very least each week , or the entire weekend if you can, and totally detox.  My friend is a strong proponent of #UnpluggedSundays, where she signs off social media Saturday night, and does not get back on until Monday.  Look, whatever craziness that is coming from the White House will be there tomorrow. Just take a day, and focus on friends and family.  Focus on you. Binge watch Real Housewives – anything that does not require deep thought.

  • Leave the Bottle Alone

It may be tempting to self medicate by having that extra drink, or turning to legal (or illegal) drugs to escape.  At the end of the day, the world’s problems will still be there when you wake up.  And now, you’re awake, mad, and have a hangover.  Enough said. Also, dependency/addiction has a tendency to creep up on you. Recreational use can turn to habitual use in the blink of an eye.  I’m not trying to pull a Nancy Reagan (more of a Grandmaster Flash), but please don’t start down a path that will only cause pain.

nancy reagan
Nancy Reagan in her 1986 “Just Say No” campaign. For historical purposes only….
  • Find what brings you peace (and don’t underestimate the power of the playlist)

Since Charlottesville, I’ve changed my screensaver at work to alpacas.  Why? Because looking them calms me down.  I can minimize my screen, look at the cuteness, and then re-engage.  Music is a huge help too.  Lately I’ve been rocking Damien Marley.  His social commentary, coupled with great reggae beats and a sharp lyrical style keeps me focused when the day is long. Public Enemy, while accurate, makes me angry.  As my friend Ken reminded me today, James Brown is a good bet.  You get inspired, proud, and motivated.

alpacas
How could you stay stressed after seeing these sweet little faces? 
  • In Summary…

Many have heard the James Baldwin quote

To be a Negro in this country and to be relatively conscious is to be in a rage almost all the time.”

But the next line is even more important:

“…So that the first problem is how to control that rage so that it won’t destroy you.”

Being part of the resistance is tough, but don’t let it destroy you. Make a conscious effort to release your stress — you are needed!

What works for you? Please share in the comments.